A Royal Sole

I was lying in bed after having hit the snooze button for the 4th time on my phone's alarm clock when my mind started to wander. My eyes scanned the room as my brain burned through some crazy thoughts when my comically bright orange shoes caught my eye. I started to wonder about all the different kinds of shoes in the world, clogs for example, I mean, what the fuck are they all about? Wooden shoes? No thanks.
Anyway, I came to a disheartening conclusion. I will never wear one of Her Royal Highness The Queen's shoes. Not even one riding boot or ragged old slipper.

Once more I have a list of reasons to back my outlandish claims and further cement my anguish at the impossibility of this joyous act:

• Treason

Now, I am aware that the accusation of treason is usually reserved for the more heinous of crimes. However, I'm pretty sure if, when the Queen tried to go down to the shop in the morning to get the milk and looked down to find only one shoe, she would be pretty pissed off. Fuelled by rage, having to drink her milkless tea I'm sure she would send out her top men to hunt the thief down and bring him to justice.

This obviously isn't a royal shoe as the seat isn't
clad in leather and there's no gold in sight

• How to acquire said shoe

How much would a Royal's shoe be worth on eBay? Probably quite a lot, as people seem to go mad for a bit of Her Royal Highness. So presumably a shoe from Elizabeth the 2nd would be pretty hard to come by. I can't imagine she puts her old ragged trainers in the charity shoe box at Sainsbury's. Even if she did, I'd be waiting a long time in a cold wet supermarket car park, then I'd have to dive in amongst all the old shoes and try to find one of hers.
I'd assume the security at her houses is pretty tight, what with her being the ruler of our country and all. Possessing absolutely no ninja skills, infiltration skills, reconnaissance skills, or manipulative skills I think I'd find it rather difficult to gain access to the shoe whilst it's in it's usual place. That just leaves meeting the Queen in person and somehow sliding the shoe off her foot without her realising. If I manage that, I deserve some sort of Nobel Thief Prize.

• It's probably the wrong size

Let's say after planning and executing an elaborate break in to Buckingham Palace, or one of the less secure Royal homes, I finally obtain a shoe. I slip it onto my delicate size 11 foot to find that it gets stuck half way on. Disaster. So I'm still not technically wearing the thing, and even if you classed it as such, it would be very uncomfortable and I want to enjoy the experience, not be dealing with blisters.

I could end up looking like this clown

So to conclude this misguided train of thought, I will never get to sample the Queen's footwear. I dream of the possibilities that would open up if I had but one of her deliciously crafted shoes. People would surely have to bow down in the street and throw their coats over puddles so as not to dirty the shoe as I walked along. THE POWER. How depressing that it will never come to fruition.

What a shame.