Kung Fu Kickflip

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 is possibly one of the best games I have ever played. Many hours have I spent playing "graffiti" with my best friend. The amount of countless "retrys" we used to execute the perfect combo to beat the "sick score" on the cruise ship stage. We marvelled at the impossibility of the grabs and flips as we sailed 50 feet into the air and landed perfectly, unharmed and reeling with adrenaline.

Another piece of popular culture that has invaded our friendship, the Rush Hour movies. I don't think a day goes by when a quote can't be overheard in our apartment from one of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker's culture clash films. Of course, what could be better than fusing two of my favourite pastimes. I'd love to land a kickflip with Jackie Chan. Not gonna happen.

If only

Why?

• I can't skate

As we can see from this super photo, Jackie is clearly a master of the skateboard, as he is a master of everything that he tries. Take singing for example:

AND DANCING! Wow, what a man. Anyway, Jackie may be able to skate, but my track record leaves a little to be desired. I've never been one for personal injury, so I don't do well balancing on four tiny wheels on a piece of plywood with sandpaper stuck to it. I've attempted to kick flip many a time and to be honest, I just can't understand the physics of it. Well played, Tony Hawk, one nil to you, sir.

• I don't know where Jackie is

You might think that I could just research what film he's doing at the moment, but even if I found that out, I'd still need to discover where they were filming. Jackie Chan is a very mysterious man, he rolls in obscure circles, probably smoking Cuban cigars and downing cups of green tea like a champion. His location seems to be a closely guarded secret, known only by his closest friends and family.

• He probably won't want to

One of the possible ways Jackie could react to my invitation

I am a fan of Jackie, and he seems like a lovable guy, full of whimsy and joy. I consider myself a perfectly sociable person with good morals and values too. But maybe we just won't get on. Maybe after I sought him out, dropped some dollar on a plane ticket and managed to wrestle my way through his entourage, we'd just stand there in awkward silence and the possibility of friendship would blow away like grains of sand in the breeze. Even if we do manage to make friends, he probably won't have time for foolish recreational pursuits such as trying to kickflip with me.

So, Jackie, if you're reading this. Drop me a line at tesslater@gmail.com and you can teach me how to be a real man. Ha, look at me kidding myself. Jackie Chan doesn't e-mail people, he sends ninja messengers. Shame we'll never get to pop some sweet grinds amigo.

Terrible