Disgrace In Space

Looking up at the stars when I was on the way back from the pub I thought back to my younger days. Always with my head in the clouds planning my intergalactic journey between far flung planets in my fire engine space ship. Then a dawning realisation swept over me and I recognised the fact that I'll never get to go into space.

As much as I might want to launch into the outer reaches of the Universe, it's not possible.

One reason: I'm not a badass Russian

Here's a few reasons why:

• I do not have enough money: 

To launch a space shuttle, it generally costs about $450,000,000. Quite frankly that's out of my reach at the moment, seeing as I have around -£1488 in my bank account. Virgin offer a "space flight" which takes you to 68 miles above Earth, in which you are weightless for 4 minutes. The cost? $200,000.

• I do not have the skills:

NASA have over 4000 applicants every two years with a total of 20 spaces available. Not likely. Also I would need an advanced degree from an accredited institution in mathematics or engineering. Also unlikely. They also require over 1000 hours of experience flying a jet, I'd also have to get to America.

• I'm scared:

I'd be flung out of the Earth's orbit at 11.2 kilometres per second, that's over 25 thousand miles per hour, sitting on what is essentially a very expensive missile. I don't really fancy being burned to a crisp if something malfunctions, though it would be a hell of a way to go, and maybe even get me a Wikipedia article.

Bad outcome

Then of course, once I'm in space, there's a whole bunch of ways to die that seem pretty horrific. Explosive decompression (a tiny hole being made in the space shuttle by a speeding piece of hyperspace dust and me instantly getting sucked through said hole), fire onboard the shuttle, freezing if my spacesuit rips, running out of oxygen. The list goes on and gets ever more gruesome as it goes.

• Technology can't get me there

As much as I may long for the outer reaches of space, unknown to human kind, the type of exploring where you meet alien societies who eat through their feet and breathe pure iron, there is just no way to get there before I die. Even on a spaceship powered by pulses of energy stronger than an exploding atomic bomb it would take more than 85 years to get to the nearest star at a speed of 540,000,000 km/h, and this method is still in very early stages of development. The fastest way to get there with tried and tested space travel at the moment is to use the gravitational pull of other planets and stars to catapult the space ship along. This would take around 19,000 years, which presents a bit of a problem.

So there's some reasons why I'll never even make it past the stratosphere, forever trapped on Earth. Doomed to spend my days wallowing in the full effects of gravity, a cruel mistress. How depressing it is to only be able to jump a foot or two into the air. Even more depressing is the fact that people do get to go into space, I'm just not one of them.

Sickening