Skeleton Heist

During the early years of my life, I was absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs. Jurassic Park was like heaven for me. Real dinosaurs come to life, galloping around, roaring and terrorising that poor guy on the toilet. Genius. I used to have books and toys of dinosaurs, big ones, small ones, herbivore, carnivore, red, green, alive, fossilised it didn't matter. They all fascinated me. One thing I would like to know though, how do they know the T-Rex's vision is based on movement? I mean Dr Grant stakes not only his life but the life of an innocent teenage girl on that fact. HOW?

Shit's about to get real!

Of all the ancient reptilian creatures though, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was my favourite. I had a big toy one which made stomping noises and roared like the one in the film, but as a foolish child will, I took it into the bath with me. From then on the "roar" sounded more like someone gargling custard. Not like this magnificent beast:

Having matured (slightly) beyond the point of playing with plastic toys, I thought it would be cool to get part of a real dinosaur. Imagine this; you are invited to a party, a little unsure, you decide to go anyway. The first thing to greet you as you enter is a 5 foot long T Rex skull. You would be instantly blown away. It's the perfect ice breaker. Alas, it's not a realistic possibility.

Let me explain:

• There aren't many around

As we all know, despite what some of those religious types like to claim, dinosaurs were alive many millions of years ago. Now if we think about everything that's happened to Earth since the last T-Rex died we can start to realise why getting hold of one might be difficult. There have been ice ages, meteorites, volcanoes, filthy humans even the very fabric that makes up the Earth has shifted many miles. All of these would contribute to the erosion and destruction of fossilised skeletons. That means there are very few known examples of a T Rex skeleton still in existence. 

One of the most complete skeletons up for sale

The exact figure for skeletons varies depending on your definition. Obviously you can't really class one toe bone as a skeleton so the estimate for how many have been discovered varies between 10 and 30. Some of these are in museums, some in private collections so if I wanted one I'd have to offer these people an exorbitant sum of cash money, if they were even for sale at all. One did recently go up for sale in Las Vegas at an auction. Check out the crazy estimate prices here.

• Museums would hate me

Well, if I did manage to find one of these beasts fossilised, or buy one from a dodgy backstreet "taxidermist" imagine how hard it would be to keep that purchase secret. If ever the palaeontology community got hold of my whereabouts I imagine a rather stern visit from Dr Ross Geller Ph.D would be in order. There would be an outcry from museums and researchers worldwide as I stashed this skeleton for my own personal gratification. Being a man of science, I'd feel pretty guilty about this situation and probably end up giving the skeleton away.

• The issue of storage

So say I come into a spot of luck and manage to acquire a pristine skeletal example of the finest predator that ever roamed the land. The lorry pulls up to my house despite the ridiculous incline, the driver cursing the narrow lane. I'm bubbling with anticipation as they lower the freight lift with an enormous cargo box marked"fragile" aboard. A team of delivery men haul the container up the steps and towards the front door when they spot a small problem. The door is too narrow for the box to fit through. Not a problem, they simply take the skull out of the box and through the doorway into the hall then they leave for their next delivery. I am now left with a five foot long skull in my hall. Major problem. Where the hell am I supposed to put this grand investment, this masterpiece of natural art?

So there we have it ladies and gentlefolk, there really is no way for me to own one of these beasts, if only they were still around today. That way I could just go out with a large calibre rifle and claim one for my own. If they weren't on some kind of endangered species list. Which they probably would be. Godamnit. So again I must resign myself to failure.

Pathetic