Intergalactic Rendezvous

Space is a big thing for me. I don't see why we should be limited to the gravity of our own planet and people who say that space exploration is a waste of time are fools. As we've already established that I'm never going interstellar for myself, maybe I can get the experience by a part of space coming to me instead. Imagine if, instead of that fool Mulder, I was Scully's partner. I'd make sure to gather some goddamn evidence and prove that we aren't alone in the Universe.This way we can all learn from them and share our knowledge too. One of my aims in life is to be the first to talk to a real inter galactic being, and make friends too.

Hopefully it won't be this traumatising if I ever
did happen to meet an extra terrestrial...

It seems, however, that I am never going to have the chance to meet an alien face to face, swap anecdotes and have a go in their rocket ship. Why not? Read on:

• Government paranoia

Area 51 is miles from anywhere in the middle of a desert. Why is this? Because the American government do not want anyone to see what they're up to. If they already have aliens there, they're certainly not going to admit it openly. If aliens did happen upon our planet and land be it through a crash or otherwise, the people that decide how our countries are run would most certainly decide how an extraterrestrial encounter would go down. They wouldn't let a member of the public within 5 miles of the crash/landing site. So if I were to meet an alien, I'd most likely be swarmed by a large group of heavily armed soldiers, helicopters and tanks. They love to bring tanks.

• Man meat

As these aliens have travelled a rather long way to end up here they're probably pretty hungry right now. There I am, stood still, mouth agape as they open their spaceship's hatch, just a big bag of warm meat ready to be skewered and roasted over a plasma barbecue.

Google results for "eating people" were a little too disturbing to include

I wouldn't stand a chance of running away after the shock of initially seeing a giant alien craft land, then clocking the fact that they are actually real genuine aliens, then realising that they want to make me their next meal. I'd be frozen to the spot stiffer than a paving slab. If I'm being digested inside their stomachs (or the alien equivalent thereof) then there's not much chance of me befriending them.

• Language barrier

Right so let's say I catch them after they've just had Sunday lunch. They roll up into my neck of the woods, somewhere miles from any government interference and I'm the only person for a long way in any direction. They calmly exit their space vehicle, approach me in an orderly fashion and out stretch whatever appendage they have in a form of greeting. It looks rather slimey and moist but I offer my hand too, we shake firmly and I smile. Of course, the natural progression from here is "Hello" Here is where we encounter a problem. How do I know this won't be offensive in their native tongue? What if it means "I want to kill you and drink your mother's spinal fluid"? There's a slight language barrier, several million light years wide. For all I know, they might not even have a way of detecting sound, so anything I say will fall on deaf ears (will they have ears, who know's) In fact, thinking about it, how do I know that I was even supposed to touch them in the first place? Maybe that was the greatest insult possible to their race. So yeah, I probably won't be able to communicate, never mind actually make friends with these beasts.

"Alien Translator Futurama" yielded some worryingly x-rated
results from Google video search.
Lots and lots of tentacles... 

It seems a respectable citizen can't even make friends with an alien these days. What has the world come to? I bet back in the day if an alien were to turn up we'd show it a grand old time, picnics in the park, ride a rollercoaster then back home for a nice steak pie. Not any more.

Disappointing