Kung Fu Kickflip

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 is possibly one of the best games I have ever played. Many hours have I spent playing "graffiti" with my best friend. The amount of countless "retrys" we used to execute the perfect combo to beat the "sick score" on the cruise ship stage. We marvelled at the impossibility of the grabs and flips as we sailed 50 feet into the air and landed perfectly, unharmed and reeling with adrenaline.

Another piece of popular culture that has invaded our friendship, the Rush Hour movies. I don't think a day goes by when a quote can't be overheard in our apartment from one of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker's culture clash films. Of course, what could be better than fusing two of my favourite pastimes. I'd love to land a kickflip with Jackie Chan. Not gonna happen.

If only

Why?

• I can't skate

As we can see from this super photo, Jackie is clearly a master of the skateboard, as he is a master of everything that he tries. Take singing for example:

AND DANCING! Wow, what a man. Anyway, Jackie may be able to skate, but my track record leaves a little to be desired. I've never been one for personal injury, so I don't do well balancing on four tiny wheels on a piece of plywood with sandpaper stuck to it. I've attempted to kick flip many a time and to be honest, I just can't understand the physics of it. Well played, Tony Hawk, one nil to you, sir.

• I don't know where Jackie is

You might think that I could just research what film he's doing at the moment, but even if I found that out, I'd still need to discover where they were filming. Jackie Chan is a very mysterious man, he rolls in obscure circles, probably smoking Cuban cigars and downing cups of green tea like a champion. His location seems to be a closely guarded secret, known only by his closest friends and family.

• He probably won't want to

One of the possible ways Jackie could react to my invitation

I am a fan of Jackie, and he seems like a lovable guy, full of whimsy and joy. I consider myself a perfectly sociable person with good morals and values too. But maybe we just won't get on. Maybe after I sought him out, dropped some dollar on a plane ticket and managed to wrestle my way through his entourage, we'd just stand there in awkward silence and the possibility of friendship would blow away like grains of sand in the breeze. Even if we do manage to make friends, he probably won't have time for foolish recreational pursuits such as trying to kickflip with me.

So, Jackie, if you're reading this. Drop me a line at tesslater@gmail.com and you can teach me how to be a real man. Ha, look at me kidding myself. Jackie Chan doesn't e-mail people, he sends ninja messengers. Shame we'll never get to pop some sweet grinds amigo.

Terrible

A Royal Sole

I was lying in bed after having hit the snooze button for the 4th time on my phone's alarm clock when my mind started to wander. My eyes scanned the room as my brain burned through some crazy thoughts when my comically bright orange shoes caught my eye. I started to wonder about all the different kinds of shoes in the world, clogs for example, I mean, what the fuck are they all about? Wooden shoes? No thanks.
Anyway, I came to a disheartening conclusion. I will never wear one of Her Royal Highness The Queen's shoes. Not even one riding boot or ragged old slipper.

Once more I have a list of reasons to back my outlandish claims and further cement my anguish at the impossibility of this joyous act:

• Treason

Now, I am aware that the accusation of treason is usually reserved for the more heinous of crimes. However, I'm pretty sure if, when the Queen tried to go down to the shop in the morning to get the milk and looked down to find only one shoe, she would be pretty pissed off. Fuelled by rage, having to drink her milkless tea I'm sure she would send out her top men to hunt the thief down and bring him to justice.

This obviously isn't a royal shoe as the seat isn't
clad in leather and there's no gold in sight

• How to acquire said shoe

How much would a Royal's shoe be worth on eBay? Probably quite a lot, as people seem to go mad for a bit of Her Royal Highness. So presumably a shoe from Elizabeth the 2nd would be pretty hard to come by. I can't imagine she puts her old ragged trainers in the charity shoe box at Sainsbury's. Even if she did, I'd be waiting a long time in a cold wet supermarket car park, then I'd have to dive in amongst all the old shoes and try to find one of hers.
I'd assume the security at her houses is pretty tight, what with her being the ruler of our country and all. Possessing absolutely no ninja skills, infiltration skills, reconnaissance skills, or manipulative skills I think I'd find it rather difficult to gain access to the shoe whilst it's in it's usual place. That just leaves meeting the Queen in person and somehow sliding the shoe off her foot without her realising. If I manage that, I deserve some sort of Nobel Thief Prize.

• It's probably the wrong size

Let's say after planning and executing an elaborate break in to Buckingham Palace, or one of the less secure Royal homes, I finally obtain a shoe. I slip it onto my delicate size 11 foot to find that it gets stuck half way on. Disaster. So I'm still not technically wearing the thing, and even if you classed it as such, it would be very uncomfortable and I want to enjoy the experience, not be dealing with blisters.

I could end up looking like this clown

So to conclude this misguided train of thought, I will never get to sample the Queen's footwear. I dream of the possibilities that would open up if I had but one of her deliciously crafted shoes. People would surely have to bow down in the street and throw their coats over puddles so as not to dirty the shoe as I walked along. THE POWER. How depressing that it will never come to fruition.

What a shame.